Happy Hanukkah

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Well, The History Channel sort of preempted me on the Christmas Tree (tap) with yesterday's 'Christmas Unwrapped' history of Christmas, saving me the trouble. This leaves me with only my personal theory of Hanukkah as a subject. As you probably know, Hanukkah - also known as The Festival of Lights - (thump) celebrates a miracle of the Jewish god WHTZSNM. Seems that the ancient Isrealites defeated (tap) the Seleucid Empire and retook the Temple in Jerusalem. The temple needed to be rededicated, but apparently the previous owners had left only one day's supply of consecrated olive oil for the lamps. I takes eight days to manufacture consecrated olive oil from scratch. So instead of waiting for enough olive oil to be manufactured, the Jews rededicated the temple immediately, relying on WHTZSNM to replenish the oil supply in the lamps as they burned. Legend has it that this particular miracle was well within the powers of WHTZSNM, and the lamps burned 'miraculously' for the required eight days until a new supply was available.

A skeptic would suggest that the Jewish priests secretly replenished the olive oil in the lamps from stores available in the local Jewish community. But it seems to me that such a subterfuge would have been discovered eventually. Therefore the priests needed to tap a supply which would certainly not be revealed: the local masturbation supply. What I am suggesting is that the priests secretly used their own personal stashes of olive oil which they kept around in order to fascilate masturbation. (By the way, I am whistleing The Irish Washerwoman as I type this. You may or may not know that I have dubbed this song, The International Masturbation Anthem. I love this particular version because it increases tempo as orgasm approaches, somewhat remeniscent of the real act of masturbation.)

The priests may even have resorted to tapping the supply of the local population, depending on whether there was enough priestly olive oil in stock. If so, it would have been a somewhat riskier business. Perish the thought that pig fat might have in some cases been substituted from such unreliable suppliers.